Forgiving Myself

Posted by mouthyb | Posted in | Posted on 1:32 PM

0

It's a truism for children with abusive childhoods that the wounds inflicted therein are not ever really gone. Sometimes they hurt less, sometimes more, and the ramifications of what we learn about ourselves are on-going.

I learned a lot of things about myself in my childhood, not the least of which was that some fundamental social and personal deficit made me a bad person, and essentially unloveable. Certainly this is exactly what my parents told me. The on-going feelings of inadequacy, rejection and an incredible, un-shiftable feeling of isolation. I genuinely thought I was damned to a life in which I was close to no one, even when I wanted to be (which was not all that often).

I've been holding a grudge against myself for years that was unable to be shifted by reason, by research or by my own efforts for not being the sort of person who could be loved, directly as a result of being raised by two people who did not love me, and my on-going problems connecting with people.

The other big revelation, after officially being diagnosed with Asperger's, is that I no longer have to keep coming back to my own unknown deficiency as a reason why I am, on some level, unloveable. Seems a little weird, but stay with me: biology is not mutable, though it is able to be worked around. If this deficit is a function of my personality, then I must (on some level) want to be isolated. It is not, however, a function of personality. As a function of biology, my desire to connect or not to connect (my therapist spent a lot of time before the diagnosis wondering why I didn't seem to 'want' to be more social) is immaterial to the fundamental difficulties I have.

Or, to put it another way, my understanding of myself as someone able to understand and narrate their own experience has been validated. There was some question, for me, about my ability to know myself based on genuine efforts to get to know this or that person that blew up, sometimes catastrophically.

Emotionally, to the extent that I am emotional, this means that I can forgive myself. That nagging sense that I must somehow be sabotaging myself and what that meant for my ability to know myself can be dismissed.

And that? That is more a relief than I can easily explain.

A Light at the End of the Tunnel

Posted by mouthyb | Posted in | Posted on 1:13 AM

0

Last week, I finally got a definitive diagnosis of Aspergers after years of fill-in-the-blank, this-is-what-I-feel-like-today diagnoses given by the professionals I've contacted over the years. (And really, I'm incredibly grateful diagnosticians are actually looking at autism as a diagnosis for people with consistent social, but not academic, delays.) I've had one of everything so far, even though the diagnoses are contradictory, and sometimes radically at odds with my experiences. When the new results came back, it was all I could do not to stand up and yell, "fucking FINALLY."

Most of the people I know don't understand why the diagnosis is so important to me. After all, it doesn't actually change the way I go about day to day living. It's true, I'll still get up in the morning and go about the minutae of my day. However, the diagnosis itself has a series of pervasive, ameliorating effects on how I treat myself and what I know to be true of myself.

Here's the thing: I am BAD at social stuff. Interacting with people, especially with large groups of people or multiple neurotypical people is nerve wracking in ways that I can describe, like the constant tedious balancing act of running through non-verbals that are considered to be validating, while paying attention to what they say, and in ways I can't describe. How can I describe why extended eye contact with unfamiliar people makes my eyes water or why when I'm asked to remember a place, I "drive" there visually?

Hell if I knew--and in fact I didn't know other people didn't visualize the way I do until last week. I didn't know that other people don't dream vividly and in color, with music (and text) until about four years ago.

For many years, I had thought I should somehow manage to figure out how to not just behave the right way, but to be the right way. I've felt incredibly guilty and, frankly, defective--how smart, I thought, could I actually be if I couldn't possibly manage daily conversations?

It is a relief to find out that rather than some deficit of personality, there's a neuro-chemical problem. I don't have to blame myself for not being smart enough or somehow being subconsciously self-defeating. If I fail at social tasks, it is not a punishment, nor is a punishment necessary.

But more importantly, I don't have to be quite so bitter. If I don't understand the confusing (and sometimes cruel) behaviors of people who are neurotypical, it doesn't mean that they're playing a game with me or being offensive on purpose. You see, I'm not normal, and no game they play could be more confusing than what they are.

The answer to why I don't see some things (or over-see others) is not their cruelty, nor is it my own ignorance or stupidity--it's biology.

The urge to yell finally is for this reason: I can finally stop kicking myself.

I can learn better behaviors because now I know where to start. That particular light at the end of the tunnel is the most beautiful thing I have seen in some time. It means that while different, I am whole.

Exhaustion and the Burden of Being on the Spectrum

Posted by mouthyb | Posted in | Posted on 3:35 PM

0

It's hard for me to explain to people how tiring everyday life is. Whenever I start talking about it, people often want to know if I'm depressed, or assume I'm suicidal or some reaction to a temporary event in my life.

I suppose I should be flattered that they think I'm normal enough for all these things to pass. When I talk about the exhausting penalty on social interactions, at least one person will make the mistake of saying that they've seen me behave normally in a social interaction, and that this is proof that the penalty doesn't exist. I always want to tell them that I'm very good at hiding costs from people.

Of course, they typically aren't in a position to see that I need to take 24 hours to recover afterward of relative silence (as much as I can get) or withdrawal to a video game or my computer for hours afterward because I am worn down to the bone from playing chess with the arbitrariness that is other people.

I've had it suggested, despite what my therapist says are obviously weird behaviors, that I can't be on the spectrum because I do notice social events--sure, I'll notice changes on a face if I'm concentrating (and I try to stay concentrating because it's so hard to remember all the rules, otherwise.) I'll even notice body cues if I'm concentrating.

But the process is painstaking. I carefully, methodically observe, generalize, run trials and remind myself to adopt behaviors. There are delays when I'm speaking with you, unless I have a script.

I like to drink if I have to be social for an extended period. If I drink, there are excuses for delays, and drunk people are more patient (mostly.)

I spend some time when I'm feeling especially worn down, or hopeless that I'll be quite able to negotiate the world well, looking up examples of other women on the spectrum. Today's reading comes from the UK.

I have a double handful of diagnosis from my childhood. The only reason I know I'm on any spectrum is because of the recent popularization of autistic diagnosis for women. The inability to make small talk (I still suck at it, even with the script--it seems like such a waste of time) well and the effort involved in communication was diagnosed alternately as some sort of disorganization of thought or chronic shyness. For lay people, schizophrenia and anxiety are the associated diagnoses; unfortunately for the psychologist with the former diagnosis, I don't have delusions.

My interests and obsessions are usually attributed to the same shyness, as if they are compensation. Plus, my most common obsession (in my case, most often for what people do and trying to puzzle it out) is simply seen as shyness, again, or some shade of OCD.

My flatness of affect has been seen alternately as shyness, rudeness, the suppression of my emotions (I have them; usually it's some species of anger, frustration or annoyance and there's no point in airing that all the time), the refusal to connect with others or some sort of perverse wish to antagonize others.

As far as withdrawing to fiction.... the only way I managed childhood at all was through retreating into books so thoroughly that even when someone was slapping me, I still took awhile to come back to this world. I still tell myself stories silently all day long, while I do other things. I try not to be disappointed that nothing ever turns out like my stories.

It's nice to see that it is as I suspect and I'm not intentionally being difficult when I don't react correctly. People tend to assume I am (and I've been beaten rather extensively for it), and it's a relief to see that I'm not fooling myself--other people have the same problem, too.

It makes me feel less alone.

The Bridge to Normal

Posted by mouthyb | Posted in | Posted on 12:40 PM

0

So I finally broke down and started therapy. By myself, I appear to be unable to quite bridge the gap between myself and people I'd like to be able to talk to.

My therapist believes I am on the autistic spectrum--no surprise there. My affect is flat, even when I don't want it to be. Even when I am having strong emotions, I'm flat. Even when I really like something, my face is flat. It's hard for me to show any emotion unless I'm feeling overwhelmed, and I'm in the company of people I trust.

The last session we had, she started to talk about little behaviors that people interpret in a negative light. I have a little problem; I can't seem to quite be normal, or even to pass for normal. The only other person I've met with these behaviors is similarly obsessed with appearing normal. He's a sociopath (I think), and though no one appears to think I am, we both construct a outer self with which to try and blend in.

I went to the WIS 2 conference last month. After spending the first session packed into the single conference room with a few hundred people, it was all I could do not to run away. I can't quite orient myself when there's too many people around; I constantly orient myself against my friends or the people nearest me, checking that my reactions are within the range they're expressing, that the things I say are like theirs and that I'm making sense to them. When there are hundreds of people there and I don't know anyone, I don't have anyone to check myself against. It becomes very difficult to make sense of my behavior (or at least, to understand how they're making sense of it--since the way I make sense doesn't make sense to others, it feels very dangerous when I don't have an index to compare myself to.)

When I start feeling overwhelmed, the sound of the crowd and speaker become like listening to the surf. All the regular noise of the crowd drops away and becomes a wall of noise. My response is typically to retreat.

Since I wanted to listen to those sessions, I compromised and sat out in the hall, with the vendor booths. That way, if I got overwhelmed I could leave without disrupting the session and insulting the speaker.

I suppose this is weird. My therapist told me this sort of behavior is considered abnormal, and will cause me to be judged negatively by my peers in an academic environment. After all, they aren't going to ask me why I'm doing what I'm doing.

I also talk in my own language. I don't even seem to realize it. The therapist says any deviation from normal allows people room to judge, and that they will tend to do so in a negative light.

This, I'm afraid, is a bridge I don't even know how to cross. I've been baffled by what does not make sense to others for some time. What seems to me to be a logical compromise appears to others to be weird, even deliberately deviant. I've seen people react to these compromises with anger, as if I had somehow personally insulted them. And perhaps I did, somehow.

I don't suppose it matters, but that fills me with despair; to cause insult unwittingly, simply by the virtue of actions designed to reduce my distress and reduce the potential for another kind of insult.

My therapist says I have too many rules. She's right. I have lots of rules in my head that govern my behavior--I don't know what else to do but to observe, try to generalize a rule and obey it. I try my best to compensate for rules that make no sense to me, actions that make no sense. I remind myself that it is I who is deviant, that my reasoning, despite seeming sound to me, is not sound for society.

I told her on the first day; as far as I'm concerned, people are aliens. Whatever it is that allows people to effortlessly blend, I don't have it without mind-bending amounts of effort.

She thinks this makes me lonely. It does. But that is a familiar sort of emotion.

About the other thirteen attachments

Posted by mouthyb | Posted in | Posted on 12:21 PM

0

There are another 13 attachments, in PDF form, which blogger won't let me post. The addressees are the Department of Homeland Security, Congress members, the World Health Organization, Air Force officers, Army officers, USCG National SAR School, the US Department of the Interior, the US Department of Park Services and a Congressional Report dating from 1961.

Sufficed to say that the number of officials and government entities involved make this gentleman seem 'official'.

I'm very happy to be leaving that department, but not happy to be living somewhere where psychic powers are taken this seriously.

The attachments to that email: lecture history and references

Posted by mouthyb | Posted in | Posted on 12:03 PM

0

First attachment:


Mr. Gharith Pendragon

REFERENCES
August 2, 2012

Colonel Gerald “Jerry” Moore, United States Air Force (Retired), Former Deputy Regional Commander, U.S. Air Force Office of Special Investigations (OSI)

I assisted Colonel Moore both professionally and personally for over nineteen years, on cases such as investigating a missing B-52 Bomber off the Texas coast in 1968, and with archeology and remote viewing in locating one of Sir Francis Drake’s ships, damaged and sunk around 1640 AD, on the ocean floor off the coast of Columbia. He has witnessed the accuracy of my psychic information concerning individuals I have never known after viewing past photographs of them. Colonel Moore had jurisdiction over nine States for the Air Force OSI, and he enlisted my assistance on cases for over a ten year period. He has officially recommended me to Tom Ridge in Washington, D.C. to assist Homeland Security, as well as to other federal agencies, organizations and ranking officials. Based on his recommendation and that of others, I have worked with Mr. Thomas (see listing below) with the Federal Aviation Administration in Washington, D.C. on two major air crash investigations, Special Agents of the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI), and further with the U.S. Coast Guard. Both national and local law enforcement have utilized my services based on his recommendation.

David F. Thomas, Former National Director of Accident Investigation, Federal Aviation Administration, Washington D.C.                                                                                                                        
                                                                                                                           
I voluntarily assisted Mr. Thomas on two past major air crash investigations that he asked me to work on: the U.S. Air Flight 427 disaster (that occurred in September of 1994) near Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania; and the TWA Flight 800 disaster that exploded (in July of 1996) over the Atlantic Ocean off of Long Island, New York.

Colonel Edward Wright, United States Air Force (Retired), Associate Professor at University of Texas San Antonio Health Science Center, DDS, MS, MAGD                                

For over a ten year association, I repeatedly provided accurate clairvoyant and remote viewing information over physical and temporal distances of approximately 100 miles away for Dr. Wright, given him correct information from past photographs of individuals.   I also guest lectured for his officers and staff at Wilford Hall Medical Center, Lackland Air Force Base, Texas on the beneficial applications of psychic research applicable to medical and dental disciplines (in 1999). Dr. Wright has recommended me to assist the World Health Organization with investigation and research.

Lieutenant Colonel Robert Christy, United States Air Force (Retired),
Former Commander, 3700th Security Police Squadron, Lackland Air Force Base, Texas

I assisted Colonel Christy on three major Police investigations at Lackland Air Force Base, Texas (from 1991 to 1992). I also guest lectured five times for the 3700 Air Force Security Police Squadron on the “Beneficial Applications of Psychic Research” at Lackland Air Force Base, and to his Criminal Justice classes at San Antonio College.

Commander Patrick Dietrich, U.S. Coast Guard (Retired)
Former Chief, U.S. Coast Guard National Search and Rescue School, Yorktown, Virginia

Commander Dietrich is a reference for my guest lecturing to professionals and officers.  I was the first in U.S Coast Guard history to officially guest lecture on the topic of “Beneficial Applications of Psychic Research” at the U.S. Coast Guard National Search and Rescue School (SAR) in Yorktown, Virginia. He was Chief of the School and was present when I successfully guest lectured twice there (in February 1997, and in March 1998), and once to the U.S. Coast Guard Yorktown Reserve Officer’s Association (in February 1997). Additionally, he has witnessed my clairvoyant and precognitive accuracies for his classes, family and himself, and over great distances (from Texas to Michigan), since he first met me in 1994.

Colonel Charles W. Kern, United States Air Force (Retired)
Former Chief of Flight Operations, Headquarters U.S. European Command
And former Chief Military Liaison, U.S. Embassy, Tripoli, Libya
Former U.S. Air Attaché, Congo, Africa

Colonel Kern officially recommended me to Tom Ridge of Homeland Security, and other federal agencies and organizations. He has personally known me for approximately 17 years, followed my extensive work, and he is a good personal character reference.

Gary Wilson, M.D. (Psychiatrist)                         

Dr. Wilson has performed extensive research work with me for twenty-one years. I assisted
his documentation and research for a future book concerning past and future events for
individuals, remote-viewing experiences, specific electrical premonitions of danger in public
places, and the exact recommended angle of search in a wilderness area. I also reported
information on his patients (with their prior consent) that assisted him in learning of
previously unknown key elements and happenings in their life that led to their emotional and
medical conditions (later substantiated). He has also recommended me to assist medical
researchers with the World Health Organization in finding cures to serious illnesses and
conditions, and diseases.


Dr. David Ford, Ph.D

I provided for Dr. Ford specific and detailed clairvoyant information on past and future personal and family events, including specific information for family members (I had never met) and of events for them in other countries (in Australia and in the Netherlands) from Austin, Texas. Additionally I engaged in remote viewing for Dr. Ford during Hurricane Rita (while his family and he raced ahead of the hurricane to Dallas). I reported to him by phone of specific damages to his Houston home (which I had never seen beforehand). I was in Austin, Texas at the time of my psychic impressions. When he later returned to his house, he discovered his was the only house in his area to have suffered the specific damage I reported to him. Dr. Ford also personally witnessed my different accuracies for him involving Hurricane Ike. He is thus a witness to my remote viewing accuracies over a distance of approximately 140 miles away and during times of large public emergencies caused by hurricanes. Based on his direct experience, he has also recommended me to assist the U.S. Coast Guard and State EMS Directors by advanced information and specific warnings.

Janyna Marie Sussie Mercado, Ph.D

I reported authentic psychic information from past photographs of individuals she inquired about, made accurate and multi-varied types of predictions and engaged in remote viewing from Austin to Michigan to assist her family member. She is also witness to my explicit prediction (several months out) of a lightning strike within a block of her sister’s home in Michigan. The lightning strike occurred within the time frame and area predicted, without any prior knowledge of where the sister lived in Michigan or any photos of the home. She highly recommended me to assist law enforcement investigations, search and rescue operations, and scientific and medical researchers with the World Health Organization.

Karyne Wilner, PsyD.

Since the 1990’s, I have provided accurate clairvoyant and remote viewing information, of personal, present and future events for her. She has also witnessed my clairvoyant accuracies pertaining to older photos sent via email of those I have never met and places I have never seen over an approximate distance of 1,400 miles (from Austin, Texas to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania), a 1,600-mile distance (from Austin, Texas to Providence, Rhode Island), and a 5,000-mile distance (from Texas to Brazil). Given my accuracies over such physical distances, Dr. Wilner has recommended me to assist the World Health Organization with investigation and research.

Gayle Riley, M.D.
                                                                        
I provided accurate and specific information to Dr. Riley on numerous personal and professional matters, including historical information from the 1800’s, specific future events for her family and her and upcoming emergency situations. She is also a witness to my prior information on specific upcoming hurricane activities that occurred in the Gulf of Mexico in 2005 (e.g. Hurricanes Katrina and Rita). Additionally, she was present when I accurately predicted the 2008 earthquake in Chengdu, China, one and a half hours before it actually happened. She witnessed my detailed Police suspect composite accuracy on a year old arson case of a colleague’s medical clinic from the location. She also personally benefited from my gift to psychically track over a large distance her missing important identification, cash, and credit cards from 25 feet down in tidal water three days after it was missing (over the distance from Texas to Maine). Even the local professional diver that found the wallet where I said it would be found said she was very lucky! Dr. Riley has recommended me to assist the World Health Organization with investigation and research.

Dr. Margaret Elizabeth Rayne, D.D.S.

I originally met Dr. Margaret Rayne at a Christmas party approximately three years ago,
and was told during the party that her ex-fiancé had died in a severe car accident several
months earlier. Surprisingly, I started to psychically pick up during the party that her ex-fiancé, who was also her Office Manager, had not truly died by an accidental car collision. At that time, I strongly felt the car collision was deliberate on the part of one of his enemies. Further I had strong impressions that he was a criminal type of person before she met him, and he had enemies from his past activities. I was hesitant to go up to a total stranger at a Christmas party with this information; however, since my intuitive information was persistent, I approached her with my initial impressions. She was quite surprised by my information and had no idea that this had occurred.

She contacted me later to obtain further details. I was able to inform her that he had
embezzled a great deal of money from her and that he was an experienced con artist. She
then took my information, hired professional investigators and attorneys, and discovered
through receipts, and numerous witnesses, that he had embezzled a minimum of $950,000.00. This was reported to the FBI, and she pursued legal action against the accomplices and members of the family of her ex-fiancé. The court awarded her this year a credit of $737,000 against her former Office Manager and fiancé’s estate. This action by the court validates the alarming embezzlement information I had given to her.

As a result of her direct and validated experiences with me, she also recommends me to help investigators, including with the World Health Organization.  

Major Sandra R. Mason, MS


I assisted her in locating her missing niece, providing specific and accurate information on the circumstances of her disappearance. During this particular situation after the young girl ran away, I received information on her physical location in another city (over 250 miles away) as well as other dangers she faced during the case. This was later validated when the missing niece was found and returned to her parents, alive as I predicted.

Subsequently, I successfully guest lectured on the subject of “Beneficial Applications of Psychic Research” for her Medical Company when she was the Company Commander for the U.S. Army National Guard in Austin, Texas. She is now a Major with the Washington D.C. National Guard Medical Corps.

Katie Santillanes                              

I provided assistance to Mrs. Santillanes when her daughter, Jennifer, both of whom lived in San Antonio, went missing in April of 1991. I accurately defined her from the beginning as a runaway, and described her ongoing situation and current physical locations at various times prior to her recovery. Furthermore, I advised Mrs. Santillanes on specific successive steps for her to take, which led to her finding her daughter alive.  Her daughter’s physical recovery occurred within an hour of the group she had fallen in with, had planned to leave the state and engage in criminal activities. To this day, Ms. Santillanes maintains that my invaluable psychic information and timely intervention helped to find her daughter before the situation worsened. Ms. Santillanes also worked for two Governors of New Mexico.

Dr. Jesse E. Pena, Ph.D

I assisted Dr. Pena in finding two different missing San Antonio children alive and whom I had never met beforehand. This was accomplished over the distances within Texas. I correctly stated each girl was still alive, describing their accurate locations and conditions at the beginning of each case. The first case occurred in 1993 and the other in 1994. Dr. Pena maintains to this day that my timely information saved the families further time, trouble, expense and heartache. Both girls were found alive, as predicted.

Professor Michael Smith

Sociology Professor Mike Smith has done historical and paranormal research work with me for ten years at Our Lady of The Lake University and the historic Menger Hotel in San Antonio. He and other witnesses have observed the quality, detail and variety of my natural clairvoyant and clairsentient gifts of historic and paranormal events at numerous physical locations. I have also guest lectured to his classes at Our Lady of the Lake University, Northwest Vista College and the University of Texas at San Antonio, and he is a reference for my guest lecturing for ten years. He is also currently recommending me as a guest lecturer to Brown University in Rhode Island.

Mrs. Rosa Lara

Mrs. Lara is a retired U.S. Air Force Security Police Officer and is currently with the National Park Service at the Lyndon B. Johnson National Historic Park in Texas.  She has known me for twenty years and she has witnessed many of my intuitive and psychic accuracies throughout that period of time.  She is also a reference to the quality of my guest lecturing to the U.S. Air Force Security Police at Lackland Air Force Base in San Antonio, and for National Park Service Law Enforcement Seminars.  This includes my clairvoyant and future accuracies over physical distances from Austin, Texas to Japan, and numerous and varied specific accuracies from past photographs of individual family members and friends.  She and her family have experienced approximately hundreds of consultations with surprising accuracy. 


_______________________________________________________________________

Mr. Gharith Pendragon
 
LECTURE HISTORY
August 2, 2012


Organization:                                                                                                                      Date(s):


Northwest Vista College                                                                                         June 5, 2012
             “Different Ways of Knowing”
             Introductory Sociology
             Dr. Johnnie Spraggins
             San Antonio, Texas

Huston-Tillotson University                                                                      November 28, 2011
             Criminology
             Dr. Michael Hirsch
             Professor of Sociology &
             Dean of the College of Arts & Sciences
             Austin, Texas

Northeast Lakeview College                                                                    September 27, 2011
             Introduction to Sociology
             Professor Mike Smith
             San Antonio, Texas

Northwest Vista College                                                                                  August 26, 2011
             Introduction to Sociology
             Dr. Johnnie Spraggins
             San Antonio, Texas

Northwest Vista College                                                                            November 19, 2010
             Introduction to Sociology
             Adjunct Professor Mike Smith
             San Antonio, Texas  

Northwest Vista College                                                                            November 18, 2010
             Introduction to Sociology
             Adjunct Professor Mike Smith
             San Antonio, Texas


Northwest Vista College                                                                            November 17, 2010
             Sociology: Marriage & Family
             Adjunct Professor Mike Smith
             San Antonio, Texas

Northwest Vista College                                                                            November 15, 2010
             Introduction to Sociology
             Dr. Johnnie Spraggins
             San Antonio, Texas

Northwest Vista College                                                                            November 15, 2010
             Sociology: Minority Studies
             Dr. Johnnie Spraggins
             San Antonio, Texas

U.S. National Park Service                                                                               May 7, 2010
             Law Enforcement Refresher Conference
             Brian Perry, Lead Law Enforcement Officer
             LBJ Ranch, Stonewall, Texas

Integrated Psychological Services                                                                    April 16, 2010
             “Non-Rational Ways of Knowing”
             Psychologist, Dr. Karyne Wilner
             Providence, Rhode Island

U.S. Coast Guard Sector Northern New England                                          April 14, 2010
             1st Coast Guard District
             Leadership Conference
             Captain James B. McPherson
             Sector Commander
             New Castle, New Hampshire
            
Huston-Tillotson University                                                                        December 2, 2009
             Criminology
             Dr. Michael Hirsch
             Chair of Social and Behavioral Sciences
             Austin, Texas

Northwest Vista College                                                                                 October 30, 2009
             Introduction to Sociology
             Adjunct Professor Mike Smith
             San Antonio, Texas




Northwest Vista College                                                                                 October 29, 2009
             Introduction to Sociology
             Adjunct Professor Mike Smith
             San Antonio, Texas

Northwest Vista College                                                                                 October 28, 2009
             Sociology: Marriage and Family
             Adjunct Professor Mike Smith
             San Antonio, Texas

Our Lady of The Lake University                                                                 October 28, 2009
             Introduction to Sociology
             Adjunct Professor Mike Smith
             San Antonio, Texas

Our Lady of The Lake University                                                                 October 28, 2009
             Introduction to Sociology
             Adjunct Professor Mike Smith
             San Antonio, Texas

Northwest Vista College                                                                                 October 24, 2009
             Sociology: Marriage and Family
             Adjunct Professor Debbie Matusko
             San Antonio, Texas

Northwest Vista College                                                                                 October 24, 2009
             Introduction to Sociology
             Professor Dr. Johnnie Spraggins
             San Antonio, Texas

Northwest Vista College                                                                                 October 20, 2009
             Introduction to Sociology
             Professor Dr. Johnnie Spraggins
             San Antonio, Texas

University of Texas at San Antonio                                                             October 20, 2009
             Sociology: Deviance and Difference
             Professor Dr. Johnnie Spraggins
             San Antonio, Texas

University of Texas at San Antonio                                                             October 20, 2009
             Sociology: Race and Ethnic Relations
             Professor Dr. Johnnie Spraggins
             San Antonio, Texas


Texas A&M University at San Antonio                                                       October 19, 2009         
             Sociology: Population
             Professor Dr. Johnnie Spraggins
             San Antonio, Texas

University of Texas at San Antonio                                                             October 19, 2009
             Sociology: Deviance and Difference
             Professor Dr. Johnnie Spraggins
             San Antonio, Texas

Northwest Vista College                                                                                          July 9, 2008
             Sociology: Family and Community
             Adjunct Professor Mike Smith
             San Antonio, Texas

North Eastern Massachusetts Law Enforcement Council                             May 7, 2008
             Shiners Auditorium
             Laura J. Nichols, Executive Director
             North Reading, Massachusetts
 
Northwest Vista College                                                                                    March 28, 2008
             Sociology: Social Problems
             Adjunct Professor Mike Smith
             San Antonio, Texas

Northwest Vista College                                                                                    March 27, 2008
             Introduction to Sociology
             Adjunct Professor Mike Smith
             San Antonio, Texas

Northwest Vista College                                                                                    March 26, 2008
             Sociology: Marriage and Family
             Adjunct Professor Mike Smith
             San Antonio, Texas

United States Coast Guard                                                                       December 18, 2007
             Sector Northern New England
             1st Coast Guard District
             District Headquarters
             Captain James E. Rendon, U.S.C.G.
             Sector Commander
             Portland, Maine




Northwest Vista College                                                                              November 9, 2007
             Introduction to Sociology
             Adjunct Professor Mike Smith
             San Antonio, Texas

Our Lady of The Lake University                                                               November 8, 2007
             Sociology: Family
             Adjunct Professor Mike Smith
             San Antonio, Texas

Northwest Vista College                                                                              November 8, 2007
             Sociology: Marriage and Family
             Adjunct Professor Mike Smith
             San Antonio, Texas

Northwest Vista College                                                                              November 7, 2007
             Sociology: Marriage and Family
             Adjunct Professor Mike Smith
             San Antonio, Texas

Our Lady of The Lake University                                                               November 7, 2007
             Sociology: Social Problems
             Adjunct Professor Mike Smith
             San Antonio, Texas

Northwest Vista College                                                                                    March 30, 2007
             Introduction to Sociology
             Adjunct Professor Mike Smith
             San Antonio, Texas

Northwest Vista College                                                                                    March 29, 2007
             Introduction to Anthropology
             Adjunct Professor Doug Ryan
             San Antonio, Texas

Northwest Vista College                                                                                    March 29, 2007
             Sociology: Marriage and Family
             Adjunct Professor Mike Smith
             San Antonio, Texas

Northwest Vista College                                                                                    March 28, 2007
             Sociology: Marriage and Family
             Adjunct Professor Mike Smith
             San Antonio, Texas

Northwest Vista College                                                                                    March 28, 2007
             Physical Anthropology
             Professor Doug Ryan
             San Antonio, Texas

University of Texas at Austin                                                                           March 22, 2006
             Undergraduate Forensics Organization
             Ms. Kristen Hopkins, Vice President
             Austin, Texas

Menger Hotel                                                                                                   February 11, 2006
             Parapsychology Conference
             Mr. Ernest Malacara
             Conference Director and Director of Public Relations
             San Antonio, Texas

Our Lady of The Lake University                                                               February 10, 2006
             Sociology: Marriage and Family
             Adjunct Professor Mike Smith
             San Antonio, Texas

Our Lady of The Lake University                                                               February 10, 2006
             Introduction to Sociology
             Adjunct Professor Mike Smith
             San Antonio, Texas

Our Lady of The Lake University                                                                 October 11, 2005
             Introduction to Sociology
             Adjunct Professor Mike Smith
             San Antonio, Texas

Northwest Vista College                                                                                 October 11, 2005
             Introduction to Sociology
             Adjunct Professor Mike Smith
             San Antonio, Texas

University of Texas at San Antonio                                                             October 10, 2005
             Families and Communities Class: Death and Dying
             Sociology Professor Mike Smith
             San Antonio, Texas

University of Texas at San Antonio                                                             October 10, 2005
             Studies on States of Consciousness
             Sociology Professor Mike Smith
             San Antonio, Texas

Northwest Vista College                                                                                 October 10, 2005
             Families and Communities Class: Death and Dying
             Sociology Professor Mike Smith
             San Antonio, Texas

Northwest Vista College                                                                                 October 10, 2005
             Families and Communities Class: Death and Dying
             Sociology Professor Mike Smith
             San Antonio, Texas

Our Lady of The Lake University                                                                 October 10, 2005
             Families and Communities Class: Death and Dying
             Sociology Professor Mike Smith
             San Antonio, Texas

United States Coast Guard                                                                                  April 27, 2005
             Search and Rescue District Headquarters
             Eighth Coast Guard District
             Captain John "Jake" Korn, U.S. Coast Guard
             Commander
             New Orleans, Louisiana

United States Department of The Interior                                                     March 11, 2005
             National Park Service
             Central Texas 2005 Law Enforcement Refresher Training Conference
             Lyndon B. Johnson National Historical Park
             Mr. Brian Carey, Conference Director and Chief Ranger
             Marble Falls, Texas

San Antonio Sociological Association                                                  November 11, 2004
             Non-Rational Ways of Knowing
             Dr. Cynthia Phillips
             Co-President
             San Antonio, Texas

Northwest Vista College                                                                            November 11, 2004
             Texas Government
             Dr. Maria Shelton
             Adjunct Professor of Political Science
             San Antonio, Texas

Menger Hotel                                                                                                   November 6, 2004
             Parapsychology Conference
             Mr. Ernest Malacara
             Conference Director and Director of Public Relations
             San Antonio, Texas

Our Lady of The Lake University                                                               November 5, 2004
             Advanced Sociology
             Adjunct Professor Mike Smith
             San Antonio, Texas

Northwest Vista College                                                                              November 4, 2004
             Seminar on Beneficial Applications of Psychic Research
             Sociology Department
             Adjunct Professor Mike Smith, Sponsor
             San Antonio, Texas

Our Lady of The Lake University                                                               November 4, 2004
             Seminar on Beneficial Applications of Psychic Research
             Adjunct Professor Mike Smith, Sponsor
             Sociology Department
             San Antonio, Texas

Our Lady of The Lake University                                                               November 4, 2004
             Sociology Class
             Adjunct Professor Mike Smith
             San Antonio, Texas

Northwest Vista College                                                                              November 4, 2004
             Introduction to Sociology
             Adjunct Professor Mike Smith
             San Antonio, Texas

Our Lady of The Lake University                                                               November 3, 2004
             Sociology Class
             Adjunct Professor Mike Smith
             San Antonio, Texas

Northwest Vista College                                                                              November 3, 2004
             Advanced Sociology
             Adjunct Professor Mike Smith
             San Antonio, Texas
 
Northwest Vista College                                                                              November 3, 2004
             Introduction to Sociology
             Adjunct Professor Mike Smith
             San Antonio, Texas
            
Saint Edward's University                                                                             October 19, 2004
             Advanced Criminal Law
             Dr. David Horton
             Professor and Director, Criminal Justice Program
             Austin, Texas

Menger Hotel                                                                                                            May 22, 2004
             Parapsychology Conference
             Mr. Ernest Malacara
             Director of Public Relations and Conference Director
             San Antonio, Texas

Our Lady of The Lake University                                                                          April 6, 2004
             Seminar on Psychic Research
             Sociology Department
             Adjunct Professor Mike Smith
             San Antonio, Texas

Northwest Vista College                                                                                         April 6, 2004
             Seminar on Psychic Research
             Sociology Department                                                                                                        
             Adjunct Professor Mike Smith
             San Antonio, Texas

Our Lady of The Lake University                                                                          April 5, 2004
             Sociology Class (Lectured to two classes)
             Adjunct Professor Mike Smith
             San Antonio, Texas

Northwest Vista College                                                                                         April 5, 2004
             Sociology Class (Lectured to two classes0
             Adjunct Professor Mike Smith
             San Antonio, Texas

Our Lady of The Lake University                                                            November 13, 2003
             Introduction into Sociology
             Adjunct Professor Mike Smith
             San Antonio, Texas

Menger Hotel                                                                                                   November 1, 2003
             Parapsychology Conference
             Mr. Ernest Malacara
             Director of Public Relations and Conference Director
             San Antonio, Texas

Our Lady of the Lake University                                                                     October 1, 2003
             Students of Sociology Club
             Dr. Johnnie Spraggins
             Faculty Advisor, Associate Professor of Sociology
             San Antonio, Texas

Texas Lutheran University                                                                      September 30, 2003
             Psychology in Life: Mind, Body and Spirit
             Dr. Wanda Leppard
             Assistant Professor, Psychology Department
             Seguin, Texas

United States Army                                                                                     December 15, 2002
             Texas Army National Guard
             E Company 249th Support Battalion (Main)
             Captain Sandra Mason, U.S. Army National Guard
             Commander
             Austin, Texas

Saint Edward’s University                                                                           December 1, 2002
             Phi Alpha Delta Law Fraternity
             Ms. Katherine Morton, President
             Austin, Texas

Menger Hotel                                                                                                     October 26, 2002
             Parapsychology Conference
             Mr. Ernest Malacara
             Director of Public Relations and Conference Director
             San Antonio, Texas

Our Lady of The Lake University                                                                   October 3, 2002
             Students of Sociology Club
             Dr. Johnnie Spraggins
             Faculty Advisor, Associate Professor of Sociology
             San Antonio, Texas                                                                                                             
 
Our Lady of The Lake University                                                                           May 3, 2002
             Introduction into Sociology
             Adjunct Professor Mike Smith
             San Antonio, Texas

Texas A&M International University                                                           January 25, 2002
             Introduction to Archeology
             Dr. Jaclyn L. Jeffrey                                                                                                            
             Adjunct Professor of Anthropology                                                                                  
             Laredo, Texas

West San Antonio Chamber of Commerce                                               October 16, 2001
             Radisson Hotel
             San Antonio Market Square
             Mrs. Mary Cruz, President
             San Antonio, Texas                                                                                                             

United States Coast Guard                                                                                August 8, 2001
             Group Corpus Christi
             Eighth Coast Guard District
             Captain Kevin L. Marshall, U.S. Coast Guard
             Commander
             Corpus Christi, Texas
            
University of Texas at Austin                                                                  September 27, 2001
             Introduction to Prehistoric Archeology
             Dr. Fred Valdez, Jr.
             Associate Professor of Anthropology
             Austin, Texas

Saint Edward’s University                                                                                     May 11, 2001
             Anthropology Club
             Dr. Kay Sutherland
             Faculty Advisor, Associate Professor of Anthropology
             Austin, Texas

Our Lady of the Lake University                                                                         April 18, 2001
             Students of Sociology Club
             Dr. Johnnie Spraggins
             Faculty Advisor, Associate Professor of Sociology
             San Antonio, Texas                                                                                                             
 
Southwest Texas State University                                                                     April 17, 2001
             Introduction to Cultural Geography
             Dr. Brock J. Brown
             Associate Professor of Geography and Planning
             San Marcos, Texas                                                                                                              

Texas Women In Law Enforcement                                                            May 9 to 10, 2000
             12th Annual Training Conference (series of three lectures)
             Kathleen Van Stavern
             Conference Coordinator                                                                                                    
             Galveston, Texas                                                                                                                 

United States Coast Guard                                                                               March 29, 2000
             Search and Rescue District Headquarters
             Eighth Coast Guard District
             Captain Kevin L. Marshall, U.S. Coast Guard
             Commander
             New Orleans, Louisiana                                                                                                     

Saint Mary’s University                                                                                     October 6, 1999
             Introduction to Criminal Justice
             Dale T. Mooso
             Adjunct Professor of Protective Services
             San Antonio, Texas                                                                                                            

United States Air Force                                                                               September 9, 1999
             Wilford Hall Medical Center
             Lackland Air Force Base
             Colonel Edward F. Wright, U.S. Air Force
             Director, TMD Clinic                                                                                                            
             San Antonio, Texas                                                                                                            

Texas A&M International University                                                        July 14 to 16, 1999
             Forensics’ Science Program (series of three lectures)
             Mr. Jose Manuel Martinez                                                                                                  
             Adjunct Professor of Criminal Justice and
             Chief Deputy, Webb County Sheriff’s Department                                                          
             Laredo, Texas                                                                                                                       

Saint Edward’s University                                                                                    April 23, 1999
             Anthropology Club
             Dr. Kay Sutherland
             Faculty Advisor, Associate Professor of Anthropology
             Austin, Texas                                                                                                                       


Our Lady of the Lake University                                                                February 23, 1999
             Students of Sociology Club
             Dr. Annette Prosterman
             Faculty Advisor, Associate Professor of Sociology
             San Antonio, Texas

Saint Edward's University                                                                             January 28, 1999
             Anthropology of Women
             Dr. Kay Sutherland
             Associate Professor of Anthropology
             Austin, Texas                                                                                                                       

Sigma Chi Alumni Association                                                                 December 16, 1998
             Austin Chapter
             James A. Cunyus
             Secretary, Alumni Chapter
             Austin, Texas

Saint Edward’s University                                                                         November 12, 1998
             Anthropology Club
             Dr. Kay Sutherland
             Faculty Advisor, Associate Professor of Anthropology
             Austin, Texas                                                                                                                       

Texas A&M International University                                                               August 7, 1998
             Introduction to Criminal Justice
             Mr. Jose M. Martinez                                                                                                           
             Adjunct Professor of Criminal Justice and
             Chief Deputy, Webb County Sheriff’s Department                                                       
             Laredo, Texas

Texas A&M International University                                                        July 15 to 17, 1998
             Forensics’ Science Program (series of three lectures)
             Mr. Jose Manuel Martinez                                                                                                  
             Adjunct Professor of Criminal Justice and
             Chief Deputy, Webb County Sheriff’s Department                                                       
             Laredo, Texas                                                                                                                       

Association of Former United States Air Force Office of                            June 27, 1998
             Special Investigations Special Agents                                                                            
             San Antonio Chapter
             Colonel Robert Lukens, U.S. Air Force O.S.I. (Retired)
             Chapter President
             San Antonio, Texas                                                                                                            

United States Coast Guard                                                                               March 11, 1998
             National Search and Rescue School
             Commander Patrick Dietrich, U.S. Coast Guard
             Chief, National Search and Rescue School
             Yorktown, Virginia

United States Department of the Interior                                                         March 3, 1998
             Bureau of Law Enforcement Administrators
             Chief Irving D. Tubbs
             Office of the Secretary
             Washington, D.C.                                                                                                                

San Antonio College                                                                             January 26 to 29, 1998
             Sociology Classes (series of six lectures)
             Adjunct Professor William R. Hale
             Instructor                                                                                                                               
             San Antonio, Texas                                                                                                            

Austin Community College                                                                           October 23, 1997
             English and Journalism Departments (series of four lectures)
             Dr. Judy Sanders
             Chairperson, English and Journalism Departments                                                    
             Austin, Texas                                                                                                                       

Saint Edward’s University                                                                          September 9, 1997
             Criminal Justice Classes (series of three Lectures)
             Dr. David Horton
             Professor and Director, Criminal Justice Program                                                         
             Austin, Texas                                                                                                                        

Texas A&M International University                                                                       June, 1997
             Forensics’ Science Program (series of three lectures)
             Mr. Oscar Munoz
             Director, Continuing Education Department                                                                  
             Laredo, Texas                                                                                                                       

Texas A&M International University                                                                        April, 1997
             Criminal Justice Program (series of three lectures)
             Mr. Jose Manuel Martinez                                                                                                  
             Adjunct Professor of Criminal Justice and
             Chief Deputy, Webb County Sheriff’s Department                                                       
             Laredo, Texas                                                                                                                       
 
United States Coast Guard                                                                          February 11, 1997
             National Search and Rescue School
             Commander Patrick Dietrich, U.S. Coast Guard
             Chief of the National Search and Rescue School
             Yorktown, Virginia                                                                                                               

United States Coast Guard                                                                          February 11, 1997
             Yorktown Officer’s Association
             Lieutenant Commander Lisa Festa, U.S. Coast Guard
             Association President
             Yorktown, Virginia

Texas A&M International University                                                                        July, 1996
             Forensics’ Science Program
             Mr. Oscar Munoz
             Director, Continuing Education Department
             Laredo, Texas                                                                                                                       

United States Army                                                                                                   March, 1996
             Fort Sam Houston
             U.S. Army Criminal Investigation Command
             Mr. Robert M. Fleming
             Special Agent In Charge
             San Antonio, Texas                                                                                                             

Metropolitan State College of Denver                                                         September, 1995
             Introduction to Criminology
             Mr. Richard T. McNamee
             Instructor, Department of Criminal Justice and Criminology
             Denver, Colorado                                                                                                                

United States Coast Guard                                                                                  April 20, 1995
             Search and Rescue District Headquarters
             Thirteenth Coast Guard District
             Captain Kevin J. Scheid, U.S. Coast Guard
             Commander
             Seattle, Washington                                                                                                            

Office of the State Archeologist                                                                       February, 1995
             Texas Historical Commission
             Mr. Robert J. Mallouf
             State Archeologist of Texas
             Austin, Texas
 
Windcrest United Methodist Church                                                      November 21, 1994
             Roots Program
             Mr. Robert Stafford
             Program Chairman
             San Antonio, Texas                                                                                                             

Metropolitan State College of Denver                                                         September, 1994
             Criminal Investigation
             Mr. Richard T. McNamee
             Instructor, Department of Criminal Justice and Criminology
             Denver, Colorado                                                                                                                

Texas Department of Human Resources                                                          May 19, 1994
             Boysville Facility
             San Antonio, Texas

Texas Parks and Wildlife Department                                                              March 6, 1994
             Public Lands and Training Section
             Kerrville State Park
             Mr. Jesse C. Tarin
             Head of Training                                                                                                                  
             Kerrville, Texas                                                                                                                     

United States Army                                                                                                March 4, 1994
             Fort Sam Houston
             U.S. Army Criminal Investigation Command
             Mr. Daniel Sanchez
             Special Agent In Charge
             San Antonio, Texas                                                                                                             

San Antonio College                                                                                             March 1, 1994
             Criminal Justice Association (Sigma Alpha Tau)
             Mr. Thomas Anderson
             Association President
             San Antonio, Texas                                                                                                             

San Antonio College                                                                                         December, 1993
             Criminal Justice
             Mrs. Margaret Munro
             Program Coordinator, Criminal Justice Department
             San Antonio, Texas                                                                                                             
 
Federal Investigator’s Association                                                            November 4, 1993
             Alamo Chapter
             Ms. Ann Hurst, President
             San Antonio, Texas                                                                                                             

Federal Investigator’s Association                                                              September, 1993
             Alamo Chapter
             Ms. Ann Hurst
             President
             San Antonio, Texas                                                                                                             

Texas Department of Human Resources                                                  September, 1992
             Mr. Clayton Moulds
             Supervisor, Unit #83
             San Antonio, Texas                                                                                                             

United States Army                                                                                                  Spring, 1992
             Fort Sam Houston (series of four lectures)
             Military Police Company
             Captain Pamela D. Dancy, U.S. Army
             Commander                                                                                                                          
             San Antonio, Texas
            
United States Air Force                                                                               1991 through 1992
             Lackland Air Force Base (series of five lectures)
             3700 Security Police Squadron
             Lieutenant Colonel Robert Christy, U.S. Air Force
             Chief of Security Police                                                                                                      
             San Antonio, Texas                                                                                                             

San Antonio College                                                                                                    May, 1991
             Criminal Justice
             Lieutenant Colonel Robert Christy, U.S. Air Force
             Instructor, Criminal Justice Department
             San Antonio, Texas                                                                                                             

Atlantic University                                                                                                     March, 1990
             Third Annual Parapsychology Symposium
             Dr. Doug Richards
             Director of Research
             Virginia Beach, Virginia                                                                                                    
 
Windward Community College                                                                 1983 through 1989
             Introduction and Survey Classes in Psychic Research
             Instructor, Mr. Gharith Pendragon
             Continuing Education Department
             Kaneohe, Oahu, Hawaii                                                                                                     

Mililani High School                                                                                                       Fall, 1988
             Psychology classes (series of four lectures)
             Ms. Judith Y. Asamoto
             Teacher                                                                                                                                 
             Oahu, Hawaii                                                                                                                           

Windward Community College                                                               September 13, 1988
             Pathwork Series
             Dr. John H. Baker
             Dean of Student Services
             Kaneohe, Oahu, Hawaii

University of Hawaii at Hilo in Kona                                              September 8 to 12, 1987
             Psychic Development
             Instructor, Mr. Gharith Pendragon
             Continuing Education Department
             Kona, Big Island, Hawaii                                                                                                    

University of Hawaii at Manoa                                                                                  April, 1987
             Science and Pseudscience
             Professor William F. Burke
             Instructor, Department of General Science
             Honolulu, Oahu, Hawaii

Maui Community College                                                                                  February, 1987
             Studies in Clairvoyance
             Instructor, Mr. Gharith Pendragon
             Continuing Education Department
             Maui, Hawaii

University of Hawaii at Hilo in Kona                                              September 8 to 12, 1987
             Psychic Development
             Instructor, Mr. Gharith Pendragon
             Continuing Education Department
             Kona, Big Island, Hawaii
 
University of Hawaii at Hilo                                                                                     March, 1986
             Introduction to Psychic Research
             Instructor, Mr. Gharith Pendragon
             Continuing Education Department
             Hilo, Big Island, Hawaii                                                                                                      

United States Coast Guard Headquarters, Hilo                                                March, 1986
             Lieutenant Commander Keith Curran, U.S. Coast Guard
             Commander
             Hilo, Big Island, Hawaii

Parents Without Partners                                                                                August 28, 1985
             Hawaii Chapter #150
             Ms. Doreen Brom-Bastas
             First Vice President
             Honolulu, Hawaii

Central Connecticut State University                                                                      July, 1983
             Educational Opportunity Program
             Mrs. Elizabeth Nkonoki-Ward
             Instructor
             New Britain, Connecticut

West Oahu College                                                                                            February 23, 1983
             Psychology Class
             Dr. Lynne Garnett
             Assistant Professor of Psychology
             Oahu, Hawaii