The Next Day

Posted by mouthyb | Posted in , , | Posted on 5:51 PM

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I've been a pane of glass all day, something which I am capable of partially ignoring the same way that one has to ignore harassment to get through a work day. I shiver, and everything around me is a little distant, as if viewed through plastic wrap. I feel like an echo, a woman who is an echo of many voices, not my own.

This is why I hate harassment, coming from people I know and think I can trust: it strips my necessary illusions away and leaves me with the inability to shield myself, for a time, from the society I live in. It strips the assumption that I am human to others, as human as I find myself and others.

I need those illusions. I need them to appear to have good will and to act as if I expect others to have good will. I need my illusions to grease the work of my day, ignoring catcalls or the comments of people online while I play TF2, or even the little comments made by friends and lovers of which they are not conscious. There's no use in reminding them, either: I don't have the energy to explain why.

At least, unlike when I was in my twenties, I no longer confuse this feeling for the poisonous pleasure of being desirable to someone, even if being desirable turns me into an object, not a woman or myself. It is not myself he desired, not with that approach.

The calculus of danger, last night: the man is a military veteran, has already confessed that he feels it's okay to hit women. Last night, despite my punching him hard enough to echo in that section of the bar, he just laughed as I tried to figure out if losing my temper meant I was about to get punched by someone who is still in excellent shape because of the physical labor he does at his job. It was funny to him, and when I did not laugh, he told me I needed to learn to take his jokes.

A few people at the table asked how I was. I told them if I were to stop for every time someone does this, I'd never go anywhere.

Last night, at 5 am, my partner finally talked me into sleeping.

Today, I shall be very careful. The urge to hurt myself is strong.

Comments (1)

Remember, next punch aim for the balls.

Internet hugs for you.

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