On bearing the daily burden

Posted by mouthyb | Posted in | Posted on 3:41 PM

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When I say gift in the following, I mean pyrrhic blessing; the implication of arbitrariness and horrific cost are fully intentional.

To some degree, the legacy of religious child abuse is, for me, a gift of sorts. While it comes with the cost of daily struggles to leave the house, a million checks and balances on sanity and on maintaining a public face, it allows me a spectacularly high bar, on occasion, for dealing with misogyny. Of course, sometimes the threshold for bothering me is also pretty low, depending on how I've done in a day on my checks and balances and what I've been forced to confront by circumstance.

It also depends on the dice roll of my nightmares the night before. Since nightmares are roughly 60% of my dreams, of varying degrees of disturbing, this is a significant factor in the energy I have to invest in checks and balances and therefore on my threshold for disturbance. I've gotten to the point where a dream about being eaten alive is generally only vaguely frustrating.

When the dice roll nicely, I get a day like today. The function of all these checks and balances, and the constant introspection necessary to maintain them, gives me a little distance between myself and the thing I am responding to. When I am not called to respond to something, what I have instead is a contemplative silence.

Today, I am silent. It's not out of anger, or hurt, but out of the lack of demand, which allows me peace.

Today, I am at peace for a time, and fully content to merely understand things.

Concentration, contemplation and focus are a beautiful luxury. To be able to devote oneself to something-- a puzzle, a line of thought, the understanding of someone else's ideas-- is a way to be refreshed.

As someone who is necessarily controlled, I find this to be its own reward.

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